Posted by: interwebwords | September 1, 2008

More on the Power of Understanding Modalities

Interesting, isn’t it? You will have learnt from this exercise just how it is that you learn how to do things. That’s right; each of us has a preferred learning style or modality.
A visual person likes to take notes or understand through diagrams, while an aural person would rather listen to someone speaking, and a kinaesthetic person prefers to learn by doing an activity. But this exercise also lets you understand what your strengths are. Are you a strongly visual person, or an auditory person or a mixture of both? You might be strongly kinaesthetic – a doing or feeling person. Whatever you are is fine. They are just different ways of “being” in the world.
The way that you use these modalities makes you uniquely “you”. However, your potential partner also has a certain way of being in the world, which is a mix of the same types of modalities.
The way to get closest to a man is to communicate with him in a way that he can understand completely.
If you are strongly visual, you will be seeing the world in a visual way and be communicating it that way. However, if you are interested in a man who is strongly auditory, he will be literally marching to the tune of a different drummer, because he’ll be listening while you’re seeing. If you can communicate with him by using the same main modality that he uses and understands, you’ll start to communicate very effectively.
Remember, love is built on a conversation that includes body language as well as verbal (voice), aural (sound) and kinaesthetic (touch or feeling) communication. All these forms of communication are filtered through the mind and, at a certain point, the mind sends a message to the body through a complex network of hormonal, electrical, and chemical messages that makes the person fall in love, whether they want to or not.
When people talk about romantic love they often talk about “chemistry”, because that is exactly what it is, a series of chemical reactions in the body that can begin with a simple conversation.
People often fall in love with people who are very different from themselves. But you don’t have to make yourself similar to a man to get him to fall in love with you and you don’t have to subscribe to the “opposites attract” theory either, but you do need to be able to communicate in the same language and the way to do that is by understanding his unique modalities and then communicate with him using those, rather than your own unique modalities.
Let me give you an example. Imagine that you have asked a potential partner the same thing I asked you. Let’s say that his name is Paul and you met him at a party. Say, it’s the question about buying a new car. Let’s listen to Paul’s response as you read it out loud.

YOU: Say you are in the market for a new car, Paul. What would it be like?
VISUAL PAUL: Yeah, a new car. I could really see myself in something sporty. Maybe a convertible with a shiny, black roof. I think you have to get a red sports car. Everyone knows they go faster. Oh yeah, with black leather seats and that wood trim on the dash would look slick.

You can tell very easily that Paul is a visual person. He uses words like “see”, “shiny”, and “slick”. But let’s switch his main modality and turn him into an aural kind of guy. Let’s hear what the same person, using a different modality, has to say for himself. Please read the next section out loud.

YOU: Say you are in the market for a new car, Paul. What would it be like?
AURAL PAUL: Strange you should ask that question. I just heard yesterday that a new model of my favourite car has been launched, so I rang the dealer straight away. It’s got a bigger engine than the previous model and a tuned exhaust, so it makes that throaty sports car sound when you rev it out.

This time the emphasis is on sound. So what would Paul be like if he were more kinaesthetic? Read out loud to find out.

YOU: Say you are in the market for a new car, Paul. What would it be like?
KINAESTHETIC PAUL: Well I’m just driving around in an old bomb at the moment, but if I could afford a new car I wouldn’t be very fussy. I’d be happy as long as I can feel it pushing me back into the seat when I accelerate away from the lights. And when I hit the brakes I want it to stop real quickly and stay in a straight line.

But here’s something to think about. When a couple is in love they seem to “naturally” speak the same language. The reality is that they are communicating in the same way because they are using the same modalities, either by an accident of nature or because they are concentrating so much on each other’s words and actions that they are mimicking the way the other person speaks, thinks and feels and I am going to teach you how to be able to do that.


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